wisper words of wisdom...let it be.

I've had a lot on my mind lately...and really, it stems from no where imparticular. Which i guess is what has led me to start this blog. A way to release my thoughts and carry on, if you will. We'll see how long i stick with it.

I've been thinking about the decisions that have led me to where i am today, in this very moment. I look around and i am surrounded by books, furniture, and mounds of dirty laundry. Every morning is a replay of the day before. I've been doing the same job day in and day out for 2 years now. Don't get me wrong, i love my job...but it is often emotionally draining. [and the pay is a joke.] After work.. I come home, and clean. Not so much because the house is in terrible need, but more of a way to relax and feel like everything is done. I'm what some would classify as a 'neat freak' only, lately...i've watched the laundry and dishes continue to pile up and find i'm unable to motivate myself to do them. Maybe thats just laziness. Or maybe its complete and total exhaustion from this repetitive and often boring life i've created for myself. Is it possible to be worn thin from doing a whole lot of nothing?

After cleaning [if i bring myself to do so] I either 1. take a short nap or 2. take a shower. Then its time to cook dinner and complete my 'housewife duties' before crawling in bed roughly around 9pm.

Exciting, isn't it?

I often find myself missing a handful of old friends. Due to various circumstances, we have drifted apart and for the most part, lost contact. This is something that shouldn't be a big deal, as i have moved many times in life and had to repeat the process of making friends over and over again. However, after recently turning 24 and having what i'd like to call an 'almost quarter life crisis' this has really began to bum me out.

I wonder what i have truly created for myself? I'm 24. No kids, not married. I rent a home in the country, and drive a caviler. I'm a medical coordinator in a group home with children that have autism making a mere $10.25/hr. I never finished college, and i have dirty tennis shoes. What have I truly created for myself?

If i was 16, and someone asked me where i saw myself by 24...my reply would be something like this;

Married, with [at least] 2 children. A college degree in Nursing and working in a childrens hospital. A decent home filled with toys and laughter. And maybe even a Nissan altima in the driveway. :p

Of course, i know it isn't too late for those things, and i don't plan for my life to stay like it is forever, but i don't even know where to begin. I'm so tired of hearing how i'm still young and have plenty of time to have children, etc. Because to be honest, i feel like that is all passing me by and i get really overwhelmed with thoughts of never fulfilling the things I so badly desire.

Once i think im on the right path towards marriage and children, i find myself questioning the person i'm with and if i am sure this is what i want. It often leads to a break up and I'm back at square one.  I've missed out on somethings completely due to my insecurities and doubts.

Now, I am in a "comfortable" relationship. something that leaves me unafraid of being left. But, is it promising me the future i desire? pushing me to better myself? not exactly.

So, what's a girl to do?