Blue Valentine

I've never watched a movie before that left me feeling so hopeless afterwards the way that "blue valentine" did. And i don't recommend anyone to watch it. It was like watching a lot of myself. And its left me crying even 45 minutes later. 
I spend 50% of my time avoiding coming home (picking up shifts at work, staying late, etc) . 25% is spent simply sleeping to escape (i take a 4 hour nap right about the time he comes home from work), and the other 25% is usually spent arguing with mike. Over EVERYTHING. 
The other day, after returning from his weekly poker night, he actually had the audacity to ask me "what did you do all day?" I wasn't sure what he meant, but i answered it honestly. "I worked. Then i came home and took a nap. Then Mel called and invited me to have a few drinks, and now here i am."  Clearly not being what he meant, he rephrased his question. "no, what did you do, as in housework?"
I was floored. For a second, I had to ask myself "Is this the 50's?" He's never said a word to me about cleaning. And this led into a fight (as everything else typically does) We argued about how I "never clean" (I would like to say, for the record, that i BUST MY MOTHER FUCKING ASS cleaning this house almost on a daily basis.) But, I did let the dishes pile up for a few days. One, because i hate washing dishes by hand. And two, because what the hell does mike do?
As soon as he brought up that I have left the dishes in the sink for a week, i pointed out that he wasn't exactly jumping to do them, either. I am not his personal fucking housewife. He doesn't seem to notice when i do clean the ENTIRE house, but he's quick to realize i haven't washed his favorite tshirt or cooked him dinner. I am fed up.
It's funny really. A few weeks ago, we were talking about having a child...and today, I am hoping that 2p.m. never comes around (he'll be getting off work.)
Maybe we've just been cranky. I know i have been wiped out from work. The past couple weeks have been INSANE there. But, i think its deeper than that. I've been cranky before and i've never felt like this. I don't want him to touch me. In fact, when he gets in my face to kiss me, i get annoyed. If he's not arguing with me, then he's all in my face and smothering me with his affection. I can't stand either. And if i try to push him away, that obviously starts another fight. My life is a losing battle. Everything i say is twisted around, everything i do isn't good enough. I am going crazy in my head with these thoughts. 
Heaven forbid i even try to have a serious conversation with him. I could pour my heart out into his hands, and he wouldn't have a single thing to say. I know, because i've tried. I've gone as far as writing him a 3 page letter explaining how i feel...and he never said a word about it. I feel like i talk to a brick wall. Half the time, i know he doesn't even hear me. He gets up and walks out of the room to do other things when i'm in the middle of a sentence. Nothing makes me more angry than that.
Get me out of this predicament. I am going to lose my fucking mind.

Nightmare on East Lane

I just watched a show on the National Geographic channel about the 2011 tornadoes. It was a big collection of "home videos." It was bone-chilling. I was watery-eyed throughout most of the show [seeing as tornadoes are my BIGGEST fear.] However, it was sooo intense and interesting to see how people react when they are looking at what could be their last moments alive, that i couldn't stop watching! It was like a bad car wreck, and i can almost guarantee i'll have nightmares tonight. 


On the topic of sleep, here's a story for ya. Last night, i woke up around 2:30am to hear a howling outside of my window. I laid there for a few minutes before i realized what it was. My dog! I forgot to close the backdoor last night, and he managed to get the screen door open and escape at some point. Then he decided he was ready to come home and couldn't get back in. What am i going to do with this boy? He's such a good dog, but lately has a problem of running off. I've gotten several calls from near-by neighbors letting me know they have Bronson. He'll be gone for an hour or more at a time when he pulls this crap. He always manages to find his way home as long as a neighbor doesn't get him first, but it's very nerve-racking! I live pretty close to a highway and I'm afraid he'll get hit by a car. I think its time to start looking into electric fences. 

Anyways, i don't really have much else to talk about. The baby stuff is still at a stand-still. Mike and I bickered all weekend. It's exhausting trying to explain anything to him. He always has to have the last word. Sometimes, i wanna shove that last word up his ass. Hahaha.


Over and out.

spoke too soon...

It seems I spoke to soon with the baby talk. :(
After our first attempt, Michael about had a freaking meltdown. So, looks like we'll be holding off a while until Daddy can get his head straight and feel more comfortable with the idea of having a kid. He's the kind of person that will stand in a store for 45 minutes trying to decide if he would rather have a snickers or a twix. (and I am not exaggerating.) He's just super freaked out all the sudden by the thought of having a child. It's cute that he is so concerned and nervous [Hell, I know the moment I saw those two pink lines, I would be terrified, but I know I can do it.--It's normal to be scared.]. But, now my goals of having a family are being put on hold again while he composes himself. Who knows how long that will take.
We talked about this for a long time, and he said he was ready. We talked about baby names, our long term plans, finances, etc. And ultimatily, the power was in his hands (seeing as I can't get myself pregnant. haha.) And he chose to proceed in the baby making all the way to the end. I guess reality hit him right after the fact. Lucky for him, I believe it was a little early for me to be ovulating... So, odds are no baby will come out of this try.
I feel really let down, because i thought this was something we were completely on the same page about. We've had NUMEROUS conversations and planning talks.
I guess there is nothing I can do but wait, and hope that he becomes more comfortable with the idea in the near future. After all, my clock is TICKING!

Baby Talk

This past weekend was hectic, to say the least. Shew. Glad its over. 

I had to work late friday night, then on saturday the entire day was spent with michael and his family helping clear out some storage units, and sunday I went to Washington to visit some family. My uncle is home from Hawaii for a few weeks (he's in the navy) and I was pretty excited to see him, however in the 2 hours i was there, i saw him for a total of approx 4 minutes. He was outside conversing with some other family, etc. So, no hard feelings...i'm sure its hard to spend time with everyone.

On another note, Michael and I are going to try to have a baby. I didn't want to put that on here just yet, but really...there are about 3 people that knows this blog exists..so it's whatever. I have quit smoking cigarettes and drinking pop and all that other bad stuff you shouldn't do with a bun in the oven. haha. Wish us luck :)

Aside from all that, not much has gone on...no deep thoughts, other than being excited/nervous/anxious for the baby thing. I just gotta keep reminding myself not to get my hopes up until i see those two pink lines ;p

you don't need water to feel like your drowning.

I have no solid proof that Michael is/has cheated on me this time around, and therefore am unsure of how to handle the situation. I have gut feelings and a few things that don't quite add up...such as the texts between him and this andrea girl are the only ones deleted out of his phone. He said she is his friends ex-wife (why would you talk to your friends ex-wife on the regular?) and that her kids live with andrea's sister in bloomington, and that andrea lives in michigan. Well, i took it upon myself to contact her personally. She said there is nothing going on and that she is married with children. So, which is it? married or divorced? and either way, why are you talking to your friends wife/ex-wife? (and if she IS married, i wouldn't expect her to admit that she is also cheating on someone.) that doesn't make much sense to me. But, i guess i don't have anything solid to go on, and can only hope he's as good as his word. However, I will proceed with caution. 
Also, conveniently, he has suddenly decided that he is ready to have kids. Now, a month ago, he was talking 2 years from now. I think he knows how important that is to me and he's using that against me. And now i'm in quite the predicament. I want a child so bad it literally consumes 90% of my thoughts on a daily basis. But, is he just using that as a way to keep me around? I assure you, child or not, if i caught him red handed cheating on me, it would be over. and for GOOD this time.
Another reason i want to have children as soon as i can, is that i fear something happening to my mom. And i want her, and my children, to have the chance to know each other. Thats very important for me to have her in their lives. 
And, currently, my mom is in a wheelchair due to a broken leg . She has broken this leg several times now this year (without doing ANYTHING to cause it to break.) and is being sent to a BONE DISEASE SPECIALIST. Of course, she tells me not to worry...but how can i not? That just sounds terrible to me. I am afraid of losing my mother before I have children. I want her to be there for me, and for them....so, in my eyes, the sooner, the better. I would like them to have as much time with her as possible. Ya get me?
Anyways, I guess i feel like that stupid overused quote of 'being stuck between a rock and a hard place" and i just don't know what to do anymore. 
Hell, i really never know what to do...i usually just hope things figure themselves out for me...But, we see where that has gotten me in the past. Ha.

 

I know i have a fickle heart, and a bitterness...and a wondering eye and heaviness in my head...

shut the front door.

i think my boyfriend is cheating on me.

i'll gather my thoughts and write more later.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

okay..so confronting my boyfriend got me nowhere other than a few fuck you's and a door in my face. Every answer he gave me stumbled out of his mouth and made no sense. Every time i questioned what he said he just became more angry..and eventually tried to turn the tables around and accuse me of cheating. That's what someone whose guilty does, isn't it?

The thing is, he's cheated on me before. and I left. why would i go back over a year later?? hell, I'm obviously asking myself the same question....so when i find out, i'll let you know.

Is it too much to ask for someone who loves me, is faithful, and kind?

Thats really all i ask for. But then again, I've had those things, and I still left. 

I must have some serious daddy issues and will be that girl who never has a fulfilling relationship because I won't allow myself to get attached to anyone. And this proves why. 

 

wisper words of wisdom...let it be.

I've had a lot on my mind lately...and really, it stems from no where imparticular. Which i guess is what has led me to start this blog. A way to release my thoughts and carry on, if you will. We'll see how long i stick with it.

I've been thinking about the decisions that have led me to where i am today, in this very moment. I look around and i am surrounded by books, furniture, and mounds of dirty laundry. Every morning is a replay of the day before. I've been doing the same job day in and day out for 2 years now. Don't get me wrong, i love my job...but it is often emotionally draining. [and the pay is a joke.] After work.. I come home, and clean. Not so much because the house is in terrible need, but more of a way to relax and feel like everything is done. I'm what some would classify as a 'neat freak' only, lately...i've watched the laundry and dishes continue to pile up and find i'm unable to motivate myself to do them. Maybe thats just laziness. Or maybe its complete and total exhaustion from this repetitive and often boring life i've created for myself. Is it possible to be worn thin from doing a whole lot of nothing?

After cleaning [if i bring myself to do so] I either 1. take a short nap or 2. take a shower. Then its time to cook dinner and complete my 'housewife duties' before crawling in bed roughly around 9pm.

Exciting, isn't it?

I often find myself missing a handful of old friends. Due to various circumstances, we have drifted apart and for the most part, lost contact. This is something that shouldn't be a big deal, as i have moved many times in life and had to repeat the process of making friends over and over again. However, after recently turning 24 and having what i'd like to call an 'almost quarter life crisis' this has really began to bum me out.

I wonder what i have truly created for myself? I'm 24. No kids, not married. I rent a home in the country, and drive a caviler. I'm a medical coordinator in a group home with children that have autism making a mere $10.25/hr. I never finished college, and i have dirty tennis shoes. What have I truly created for myself?

If i was 16, and someone asked me where i saw myself by 24...my reply would be something like this;

Married, with [at least] 2 children. A college degree in Nursing and working in a childrens hospital. A decent home filled with toys and laughter. And maybe even a Nissan altima in the driveway. :p

Of course, i know it isn't too late for those things, and i don't plan for my life to stay like it is forever, but i don't even know where to begin. I'm so tired of hearing how i'm still young and have plenty of time to have children, etc. Because to be honest, i feel like that is all passing me by and i get really overwhelmed with thoughts of never fulfilling the things I so badly desire.

Once i think im on the right path towards marriage and children, i find myself questioning the person i'm with and if i am sure this is what i want. It often leads to a break up and I'm back at square one.  I've missed out on somethings completely due to my insecurities and doubts.

Now, I am in a "comfortable" relationship. something that leaves me unafraid of being left. But, is it promising me the future i desire? pushing me to better myself? not exactly.

So, what's a girl to do?